Yay!!!

two posts in one day... but I realized I hated how dark my blog was!!!! I needed something light and airy!  Something that SCREAMED....

SPRING IS HERE!!!!!!!!

and I like it!

Happy Spring Everyone (even though it doesn't feel like it!)

Faith and Trust

I've always loved the "Faith Like a Child" song by Jars of Clay.  It said so much about trusting God and not worrying about all thats going on around you. God has a plan and even though you don't know what it is or why it is he will not let you fall. 
I fell into a serious bought of depression the other day.  Rich became suicidal again late February and needed to be hospitalized for a week and then was discharged with some new meds.  He was scheduled to go back to work the following day, but once he arrived he realized he still wasn't able to function well.  So after a full day of calling around I found a program here in Dothan that works with the hospital he'd just been dicharged from but was a day program.  He goes from 8-2:30pm they feed him lunch and he's learning new ways to think and to function.  I sometimes see glimpses of the old Rich which is a wonderful thing, but he's now been out of work almost 5 weeks!  Taking a toll on our already very tight and very stretched resources. 
He should qualify for short term disability so we have all of our paperwork in and was told 5-7 days to process and then 2 business days for the check to be direct deposited into our account.  Well we hit our 7th business day yesterday and in true my life fashion there of course is a snag.  They need medical records from his other 2 physicians before they can evaluate the claim.  I decided to call both of those dr's myself and they both take at minimum a week to get the paperwork together. And I'm not even sure if they have started gathering it to send to the insurance company.  I have a deffered car payment due tomorrow.  I'm praying that some old jewelry I had is actual gold and can be sold to come up with some of the cash.  I don't want to, but it's what I feel I need to do in order to keep my car.
It all comes down to I have to trust in God's perfect timing, I have to trust that he has my best intentions at heart. I have to trust in him.  It's hard, I'm not going to lie.  It's so hard feeling like my entire personal world is falling apart.
On the other hand I'm being given great and amazing oppurtunities at my new job, ones that I'm excited and thrilled to be able to do.
Praying, praying for God's will to be done in our lives. 

shocked and numb is how I'm feeling

My sister asks to talk to me tonight when I get home, which isn't usually anything. I knew she had a rough day so I figured it would just be a bitch session which I'm always game for.  When she comes into the kitchen she tell me she's talked to my Aunt Darpy which is a little strange because we don't talk to her that often.  She tells me that my cousin Julie passed away sunday night sometime between 12:30 and 7:30 Monday morning.  It's so much to process!  I hadn't had any contact with her since I had gotten married and and moved.  We had some difference of opinions that made it hard for us to continue to stay connected.  My head keeps spinning, around and around. She was 39, had a history of drug abuse but from what we heard she had been clean for the past year.  She has severe abdominal pain and thought if it was still hurting in the morning she would go to the ER and she never made it.  She NEVER made it.  It's just so hard to wrap my head around all the thoughts swirling.  it also puts me right back to the night I found out my dad had died, just as suddenly and just as unexpectedly.  It just solidifies my thoughts that I need to make an appt to see a therapist.  I still have some things that I need to work out, work on, work through.  and thats where I am tonight. 
She leaves behind a 20 year old daughter and a 9 year old son.  A daughter who my mom babysat for the longest time, who spent the night with us tons of time, who I'd pick up and take out for a fun day.  I stole her for an entire thanksgiving weekend and taking a midnight trip to the mall with.    A son who I nannied for from the time he was 6 weeks till her was 18 months old. My heart is broken for them, losing a mother is a hard hard thing to go through, I pray that the people in their lives are there for them.  I'm going to try to be there for them 350 miles away....
this sucks1!!!

2013

I'm in a funk. Plain and simple!! 1/23 will mark 12 years since my mom passed away.  12 years of not hearing her voice, her words of encouragement, her wisdom, all that she was; gone.  I know she is there for me in spirit, I will feel her sometimes around me and I know that it (whatever IT is that day) will be ok.  But sometimes not so much, sometimes I just feel all alone. 

Rich and I celebrated are 8th wedding anniversary!  We've made it 8 years, through lots of ups and downs and love and screaming matches... we've made it. Part of me marvels that me who was so afraid of this commitment thing has made it this far and when I look to my future I still see myself beside him holding my hand. Still no children, still no idea what God has planned for our life, which is frustrating and maddening, and stressful. I know that God has a plan for us, just wish I could have some clues as to what it is.

I've been blog hopping, something that I don't do as often as I used to and I stumbled upon one where I ended up reading the entire blog, why you ask because this woman has such a strong spirit, even through all of her trials she is praising God and thanking him for what he has given her. Seriously it makes me mad at myself!! In my opinion she has gone through so much more heartbreak and pain and yet she praises God!  So today I start praising God for everything he has done, will do, and continues to do for me and Rich.  I may not understand why were in one situation after another but I do know that I have an awesome God who will never leave me or forsake me!